Grief at 100 thousand miles

There are the things that you don't really understand when you decide to migrate , and it's probably a good thing . If you did , you may never leave and go on your grand adventure.

You know it will be hard . You tell yourself it's going to be tough, you prepare for the things you expect, like feeling homesick , and not knowing how anything works.

There are a number of things I could write about , that most migration websites and migrant support groups don't really tell you. But for now , I'd like to share something that has been a tough spot for me , for the last week or so.

You can't really prepare for what it feels like , when someone dies back home.

There's grief.

 And then there's migrant guilt-ridden grief.



Guilty ? Yup, guilty.

It's very common,  for migrants to feel guilty for "leaving behind" family and / or friends. It's an especially poignant issue for South Africans, who have the unique honour of being from the only country in the world that vilify emigrants and call them traitors.(* this is my opinion based on my experiences , and very clearly it's possible that other countries hate their emigrants as much as South Africa does) 

Most of us deal with it by acknowledging that we have made choices that we found to be the best option for us. And we work through those feelings every day , making special note to remind ourselves that our family and friends live their own lives and make their own choices, and we are not responsible for those choices.

But when someone dies, and your family (and you) are grieving, then that guilt takes on a whole new life.

It starts by wishing you were at "home" to be part of the grieving , and comforting process. And then realising that you haven't thought of your old life as "home" for many months.

Then you are angry , angry that people get ill and die. Angry that you chose to leave. Angry that you can't just hop on a plane and go back. Angry at anyone and anything that isn't being nice to you.

You cannot hug someone on Skype. There's only so much that a 'poke' on Facebook can accomplish without becoming stalker-ish and creepy.

Sometimes only a real hug will do, and it's heartbreaking when you are not in a position to give that hug in person.

It feels like a thousand knives going through you when you are too far away to hug and grieve with your family.

I've gone through this now 3 times since migrating , and here's what I have decided is the best way for me to deal with it, when it happens

• Daily phone/ skype calls are a must. 

If the person in question is someone you would spend day in and day out with , then you have to replace that contact with the next best thing , and phone calls or Skype video calls are it.

Some calls to my mother have lasted 2 mins , and consisted of:

Me : "Morning Mom, just wanted to see how you are today"
Mom"" I'm OK my angel, thank you for calling and enjoy your evening"

That's all it takes to make someone feel loved and missed , and for you to know that you are also appreciated and loved.

•  Take a day or 2 off work. 

The fact that you live far away does not mean you are immune to the sadness that will inevitably envelop you at some point. If nothing else you will be tired from taking late night phone calls and crying on the phone with your family. Allow yourself some breathing space.

• Tell your new friends what's going on. 

People are amazing, and they will surprise you.

• Don't stop your life. 

Once you have taken a day or 2 off to acclimate , you need to keep your appointments , go for coffee with your friends and do the things you planned before the news came. Doing these things will keep you grounded in the good-stuff. You will be reminded why you love it in your new home, and it will help to keep things in perspective when you beat yourself up about leaving.