Over the past few years , I've seen a number of adverts, aimed at curbing domestic and partner violence, where the premise seems to be " lets attack what men think is Macho, and turn it on it's head "
The gist of the adverts , featuring Charlize Theron in South Africa from a few years ago , to some recent ones here in Australia ,all seem to feature this general premise of
" Real Men don't ..... *insert undesired behaviour here*"
And
"Real men do .... *insert required behaviour and attitudes here*"
I have to be honest. As jarring , as the ads are to see for the first time, I think the only people they speak to are the victims of violence. They certainly don't speak to my husband, who finds them quite offensive, and he hasn't so much as raised his voice to me in the 10 years we've been together . He's just not really capable of violence against someone ( or something ) smaller and weaker than him. To imply that he needs to think about what he stands for, and consider if he's a Real Man , is a bit of low-blow in my opinion.
Lets face it , men are generally physically stronger, bigger and a little bit tougher and more durable than woman. We can pop out babies, and we make it through our periods every month, and they can handle the heavy lifting.
Just before I get a zillion people jumping up and down about strong woman and all that , lets be clear that individually speaking , it is always all about the endurance , fitness and strength of the individual. There are some scary strong ladies out there. I've known a few in my life; but as a gender , on the whole, we're a lot softer , more squishy and composed of the soft bits that make men ( and some woman) go all gooey on the inside.
We can thank our female hormones for that. We can also thank them for the role they play in making us a bit more socially aware , and connected. Gender socialisation aside , the hormones that flow through all human females make us far more inclined to want to talk about how distressing the broken tap in the kitchen is with our BFF's as opposed to fixing it with a monkey-wrench.
Men on the other hand are bit more inclined to smack first and talk about it later over a beer or three.
And that sentence sums up our whole attitude to masculinity and the fine-line men tread between being A Real Man and being a A Real Asshole.
It basically boils down to us as a society wanting men to
a) Not be violent
b) Not be pansy cowards.
c) Know the difference in every situation - and be able to make the right split second decisions by instinct.
Lets me pause at this point to state categorically that I deplore violence of any kind.
Any person that smacks / wallops/ punches / kicks / beats / hits anyone is a violent thug, and deserves nothing less than to be ostracised from society. But I, along with many others also believe that there is an exception to this, which would be if said person were defending another human being from harm , in which case I would consider that person to be a Brave Individual.
Brave Individual or Violent Thug ? - Turns out a bust up with 2 people involves 2 thugs and 2 brave people - depending on which side of the fight you're sitting.
We expect men to walk away when they are clearly in the superior position and to be the bigger man . We also expect them to fight to the very bitter end to protect the people they love.
Quite a bit of conflicting expectation going on there.
And with woman's lib making it possible for woman to do everything men can do , it should come as no surprise that the First World is peppered with violent little tartlets, running around in their microscopic clothing, hitting each other over the head with broken bottles, and spitting at people on trains.
Where's the love y'all? Where is the love ?
Certainly not in the pubs and clubs of Hip and Happening Sydney on a Friday or Saturday night.
So back to the main point of this post - violence , alcohol and masculinity.
It's such a big messy hot pot of contributing, mitigating and extenuating factors isn't it?
You can't blame the kid who never had a strong male role model around. You can't blame the kid who is abused at home. You can't blame the kid who can't handle his alcohol. You can't blame the drug addicts , because well, shame man, the poor dears are clearly not in control of themselves.
Seriously ? When do we get to hold people accountable for the decisions they make ? When are people accountable for their choices , even when the results are unexpected?
Apparently never. It's always someone else's fault. No-one is responsible for themselves anymore.
When did that happen? Did I miss that tweet from God ?
So, stop telling me that my husband isn't a man because he won't sign your petition, or "take a stand". His signature won't change anything. Society is changed when people collectively do things differently. Petitions to government don't do much when the society in question refuses to change.
If you want to stop violence from happening in society then start at home.
Teach your sons , and all their friends that treating people with dignity and respect is the only acceptable way to function in society. Teach your daughters that they are deserving of respect and dignity and should behave reciprocally in a relationship. Society changes , when we change , each and every one of us.
... and that's my 2 cents worth for today ...
The gist of the adverts , featuring Charlize Theron in South Africa from a few years ago , to some recent ones here in Australia ,all seem to feature this general premise of
" Real Men don't ..... *insert undesired behaviour here*"
And
"Real men do .... *insert required behaviour and attitudes here*"
I have to be honest. As jarring , as the ads are to see for the first time, I think the only people they speak to are the victims of violence. They certainly don't speak to my husband, who finds them quite offensive, and he hasn't so much as raised his voice to me in the 10 years we've been together . He's just not really capable of violence against someone ( or something ) smaller and weaker than him. To imply that he needs to think about what he stands for, and consider if he's a Real Man , is a bit of low-blow in my opinion.
Lets face it , men are generally physically stronger, bigger and a little bit tougher and more durable than woman. We can pop out babies, and we make it through our periods every month, and they can handle the heavy lifting.
Just before I get a zillion people jumping up and down about strong woman and all that , lets be clear that individually speaking , it is always all about the endurance , fitness and strength of the individual. There are some scary strong ladies out there. I've known a few in my life; but as a gender , on the whole, we're a lot softer , more squishy and composed of the soft bits that make men ( and some woman) go all gooey on the inside.
We can thank our female hormones for that. We can also thank them for the role they play in making us a bit more socially aware , and connected. Gender socialisation aside , the hormones that flow through all human females make us far more inclined to want to talk about how distressing the broken tap in the kitchen is with our BFF's as opposed to fixing it with a monkey-wrench.
Men on the other hand are bit more inclined to smack first and talk about it later over a beer or three.
And that sentence sums up our whole attitude to masculinity and the fine-line men tread between being A Real Man and being a A Real Asshole.
It basically boils down to us as a society wanting men to
a) Not be violent
b) Not be pansy cowards.
c) Know the difference in every situation - and be able to make the right split second decisions by instinct.
Lets me pause at this point to state categorically that I deplore violence of any kind.
Any person that smacks / wallops/ punches / kicks / beats / hits anyone is a violent thug, and deserves nothing less than to be ostracised from society. But I, along with many others also believe that there is an exception to this, which would be if said person were defending another human being from harm , in which case I would consider that person to be a Brave Individual.
Brave Individual or Violent Thug ? - Turns out a bust up with 2 people involves 2 thugs and 2 brave people - depending on which side of the fight you're sitting.
We expect men to walk away when they are clearly in the superior position and to be the bigger man . We also expect them to fight to the very bitter end to protect the people they love.
Quite a bit of conflicting expectation going on there.
And with woman's lib making it possible for woman to do everything men can do , it should come as no surprise that the First World is peppered with violent little tartlets, running around in their microscopic clothing, hitting each other over the head with broken bottles, and spitting at people on trains.
Where's the love y'all? Where is the love ?
Certainly not in the pubs and clubs of Hip and Happening Sydney on a Friday or Saturday night.
So back to the main point of this post - violence , alcohol and masculinity.
It's such a big messy hot pot of contributing, mitigating and extenuating factors isn't it?
You can't blame the kid who never had a strong male role model around. You can't blame the kid who is abused at home. You can't blame the kid who can't handle his alcohol. You can't blame the drug addicts , because well, shame man, the poor dears are clearly not in control of themselves.
Seriously ? When do we get to hold people accountable for the decisions they make ? When are people accountable for their choices , even when the results are unexpected?
Apparently never. It's always someone else's fault. No-one is responsible for themselves anymore.
When did that happen? Did I miss that tweet from God ?
So, stop telling me that my husband isn't a man because he won't sign your petition, or "take a stand". His signature won't change anything. Society is changed when people collectively do things differently. Petitions to government don't do much when the society in question refuses to change.
If you want to stop violence from happening in society then start at home.
Teach your sons , and all their friends that treating people with dignity and respect is the only acceptable way to function in society. Teach your daughters that they are deserving of respect and dignity and should behave reciprocally in a relationship. Society changes , when we change , each and every one of us.
... and that's my 2 cents worth for today ...
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